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The 6 Stages of Wedding Planning: Fun, Ouch, Work, Abstract, Flurry, and Here!
Wedding planning sucks at times.
There. I said it.
In fact, I say it often in my sessions with brides-to-be.
That wedding planning sucks. Is boring. Is disappointing. Is tedious. Is maddening. And goes on way too long.
Brides look at me at first in shock, when I say this. Then in deep relief.
“I’ve never heard anybody say that before,” they tell me. “It IS tedious. It is annoying. It IS boring to be consumed by this for so long. Where did my life go? It’s all I do!”
Ahhhh, the truth about wedding planning: It kinda sucks. For so many reasons.
In this article, I’ll delineate why.
But first, I wholeheartedly acknowledge that – at the very, very beginning – wedding planning is AWESOME.
There. I said that too!
Stage 1: FUN.
If you are lucky enough to feel immediately excited about your proposal – not every bride does, and I’m here to help – then the daydreaming begins almost immediately.
What fun that stage is. “We’ll get married in Italy! On the beach in Hawaii! In grandma’s barn! On the top of our favorite mountain!”
If only – if only – brides and grooms (and their families) permitted themselves days, weeks, even a couple of months in this playground of possibility. To bat wildly unfeasable fantasies around for a good long time. To indulge deeply in the daydreams. To have simple fun, not grounded in any realities. If only everyone gave themselves over to this stage of wedding planning for a little while longer. But no.
Most move quickly to
Stage 2: OUCH.
Most couples yank themselves from the anything-is-possible stage into the let’s-get-down-to-brass-tacks stage.
And while this is exciting, to start planning for real, it can also hurt.
Yes, hurt.
I bet you’ve felt hurt when….
You discover what kind of wedding your budget can actually support.
The mothers start getting bossy and difficult.
The talk about who is paying for what starts.
A key bridesmaid is already committed to be in another wedding that same weekend.
You face the fact that there’s no way Nana and PopPop are healthy enough to travel to the Caribbean, or Tuscany, or even the mountaintop. If you want to have any sort of destination wedding, you’re having it without them.
All these things hurt. Yes, hurt.
Reality bites, when it comes to wedding planning.
Stage 3: WORK.
Yes, that hurts, but it’s time to get on with things.
You have a wedding to plan – a big, expensive event with many moving parts and many different stakeholders with conflicting priorities, interests, tastes and demands.
It’s…a lot.
Of happy things –
like touring venues, trying on dresses, listening to bands, tasting cakes, designing invitations, trying on wedding bands.
Of challenging things –
like facing costs, managing personalities, negotiating how many guests each family gets.
Of detail-oriented things –
like booking hotel blocks, going back-and-forth on budgets, collecting addresses.
You are planning a wedding, and you’re in this crazy emotional mix of having fun with your wedding craft projects AND furious that his Mom wants to invite THAT MANY people.
You’re doing the task work of the wedding – and the emotional work of the wedding.
Oh, and you have a full-time job. This Work stage is a long stage, in every way.
Stage 4: ABSTRACT.
In this stage, you’re basically set. The big ticket items are booked – the venue, the caterer, the flowers, the food, the dress. The frenzy of the Work stage is over.
And yet it’s too early to tie up the final details. You review your list frequently, looking for some other task to check off, to complete.
But the reality is: now, you wait. And the wedding, months in the future, is still just an idea, really. It’s not tangible, this huge date on the calendar. It’s hovering, looming, off in the distance.
Your wedding is abstract.
This doesn’t mean anybody relaxes or returns their focus to their own lives. Oh no. In fact, this is when The Moms start acting up. The Moms are still able to talk about the wedding 24/7. During the Abstract stage of wedding planning, The Moms tend to revisit decisions already made – re-open long dormant discussions. They create problems where none exist. For those of you who’ve read my book or watched my video series, you know that this is the stage – through January, February, March and April – that my Mom harangued me about – get this – whether or not the lasagna for our casual rehearsal dinner – in JULY – would be hot or not. Yup. She worried – and called me endlessly about – about the temperature of a July lasagna. For months.
The Abstract stage is totally annoying.
In fact, some brides refer to this as “My f#!@ing wedding” stage. They’re done with vendors, the Moms, the talking about it, the to-do lists.
It’s a weird stage, the Abstract. You’re waiting for time to pass until you can make final decisions and complete those final tasks.
My advice? Take a little vacation to get away from it all!
Stage 5: FLURRY.
About 6 weeks before, the pace quickens and the excitement begins to authentically build.
You’re also busy as all get-out – humiliatingly chasing down RSVPs, negotiating the seating chart, stuffing goody-bags, attending final fittings, nursing your bachelorette party hangover, handing off projects at work, writing vows, finalizing honeymoon tours, finishing up that darn craft project, which seemed like a good idea at the time, and, oh yeah, writing your vows – but it’s also feeling more fun.
Because it’s happening. Your wedding is coming up soon.
You’re busy. But you’re good busy.
And The Moms are busy. So they’re less annoying.
You’re all crossing things off the list, for real, and that feels great. Check, task complete!
Stage 6: HERE!
As the week of the wedding begins and your guests start texting you with “4 more days until I’m on the plane!” your excitement builds.
As you walk out of the office or sign off on Zoom for the absolutely final time before your wedding, you feel enormous relief. Work is done.
As your guests board their flights and check-in at the hotel block, your wedding gets real – in the best way.
At the wedding rehearsal, you finally lay eyes on your nearest and dearest, and everybody finally comes together. The rehearsal is a scattered mess (this is normal). You and the wedding planner are herding cats, after all – your friends and family are too excited to be there. They don’t want to listen to directions from the wedding planner: they want to chat!
But when you get to the rehearsal dinner and take a sip of your signature cocktail and look around the room, you feel your body and mind relax. You exhale.
The work is done.
There’s no more planning.
There’s no more doing.
The months – and years-long work is done.
The final tasks on your to-do list:
- To be as present as you can be, during this once-in-a-lifetime experience.
- To marry Your Person.
Your wedding celebration has begun, and it will have a mood and spirit all its own.
You’re living the fantasy you’ve worked so hard to create. Congratulations!
At this stage, there’s NOTHING left to be done except to enjoy, have fun, be present, and go for the ride. Oh, and get married to your wonderful man.
