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I Hate My Engagement Ring: How To Talk About It [Part 3]
I described the content of this article to my 18-year-old son. His response: “Isn’t that selfish to complain about the ring?”
These are the words of an 18-year-old boy, but the fact is, you are facing the perception that being unhappy with your ring is the behavior of a spoiled brat.
It’s real – some people will think that. Don’t be surprised by it — be prepared for it.
This also reinforces how delicate talking about your engagement ring is, and why it’s important to do your own inventory and thoughtful preparation before bringing it up.
Your first task is to get clear about what’s good about your ring, as well as what you’re not a fan of. (Have you ever seen an ugly engagement ring? You can definitely find the good!) Articulate both to yourself. Write it all down. Refine your thinking.
How, then, could you raise your issues with it in a way that won’t be taken as criticism? That won’t hurt? That will be respectful? That will be able to be well-received?
How can you handle this conversation so that it helps your relationship, not hurt it?
The two of you have had tough talks before. In the good ones, you’re both left feeling great about your relationship. You actually end those conversations feeling closer than ever. More mature. More connected. Closer and happier.
This is the feeling you’re going for here.
It requires you start with an awareness of him and his feelings – not just your feelings about your ring.
It requires a mindset of humility, gratitude and care.
Finally, it requires you to be on your toes. This is one of those important conversations in life during which you are responding moment-to-moment to what is happening between you.
Sure, for a few guys, all this forethought and preparation isn’t necessary. For them, switching out the ring is no big deal. “Hey, yes, let’s change it for something you love. We’ll go to the jeweler this weekend. All good.”
Most aren’t like that, however. Most are invested, literally and emotionally, in the rings they purchased.
For most men, thoughtful, loving preparation is required.
To begin the conversation: “Baby, I need to talk about something that is hard for me to say, and may be hard for you to hear.”
Then: stop talking and listen. He may already have picked up your disappointed vibe. If so, it won’t come as a total shock, and the conversation may be easier than you’d anticipated.
But you must contain your anxiety in order to stop and listen to his reaction to your opening salvo.
If he doesn’t catch your drift, you will need to get more specific. Slowly and gently get more specific.
The approach in this conversation – in every difficult conversation in your marriage and in life – is everything.
“It’s hard to bring up because it’s about my engagement ring,” you say.
Then: stop and listen again. How does he respond?
Is he open? Curious? Defensive? Read him and his vibe.
If he’s open, keep the effort he put into purchasing that ring top of mind as you speak. As you have a more direct conversation about your feelings and proposed next steps, be grateful and sensitive to him.
Choosing your words with tenderness is still important. I’m not saying sugar-coat or evade. But do take the time to figure how to soften it, with the goal of it being heard without causing hurt.
It’s the same way you’d want to hear a criticism from him.
Here are a few ways to say it:
“There’s one thing that drives me a little crazy about the setting. It’s high. Maybe I’m not used to it yet, but maybe it could be lowered a bit. [At this point, it would be wise to again stop and listen.] I’d like to talk with the jeweler about it. How do you feel about that?”
Or: “There’s no way you could have known this–you’re not a mind-reader — but I had something else in mind.” Stop and listen.
Or: “The ring is gorgeous and beautiful, but it’s not exactly ‘me.’ It’s hard to tell you this, but I’m hoping we can talk about it.”
Then: stop and listen. He may be totally agreeable. Or his shackles may go up. He may feel criticized. Or hurt. Or angry.
If he’s agreeable, lucky you.
If things get rocky between you, understand that this is not a One-And-Done conversation. You have opened what may be a longish dialogue about your ring.
In other words, you’re not going to solve the ring situation in one talk.
Take time to understand where he’s coming from, what his feelings are. Once you learn more of his back story, or discover he will be completely crushed if you make a change, you may want to reconsider going further during this first conversation.
In fact, posing the problem may be enough for one sitting. You may want to stop here.
How this conversation ends is really important. Don’t end in bitterness. End instead by openly expressing gratitude for your ability to discuss it. End with warmth for each other.
You have planted a seed about your ring in this first conversation. You’ve opened up the touchy topic, with sensitivity and as much kindness as you could bring.
What will likely happen is that you will both reflect on this first discussion for a few days. Then one of you will broach the topic once again. You’ll eventually revisit the topic.
Then, you can try one of the above, more specific approaches to sharing your thoughts about your ring.
Through these conversations, you will both learn more and go deeper – about the ring, yes, but also deeper in your ability as a couple to have tough talks. It’s all practice for a real life together. The work is about understanding where the other is coming from.
Finally, always have these conversations during the daytime. Never at night, when you are tired. Never when one of you has external stress from work, family or life.
Timing is everything for Conversations About Life like this. Choose your moments wisely, for the greatest success.
Like any hard conversation in life, thoughtful, compassionate, empathic preparation is your best friend.
Please read: I Hate My Engagement Ring. What Do I Do? [Part 1] and I Hate My Engagement Ring: Brides, Consider This [Part 2].
