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I Hate My Engagement Ring: Brides, Consider This [Part 2]
You hate your engagement ring.
It’s just not right.
It’s not “you.”
And you don’t know what to do. Live with it? Or say something and exchange it for something that feels better?
Either route is tricky – and you don’t know where or how to begin.
When you don’t know what to do, the best action is to Do Nothing.
Wait, until not only do you know what you want to do, but also until you’ve figured out the kindest, least hurtful, best-for-your-marriage manner in which to go about this. For yourself. And for him.
Because this Ring Situation – let’s call it that – is really just an example of the realities of being in deep, lifelong relationship with another person.
He chose it for you with the best intentions – read I Hate My Engagement Ring. What Do I Do? [Part 1] to walk in his shoes, to have more empathy for the enormous efforts your fiancé went to in order to choose your engagement ring.
That it isn’t “perfectly you” is awkward.
But before you utter the words “exchange the ring,” I want you to spend a few days reflecting on WHY you don’t like the ring.
Not the aesthetic qualities you’re focused on.
Truly, put that aside. You’ve spent enough time focusing on what’s “wrong” with your ring. You know this by heart by now.
It’s time for you to learn some new information about yourself.
Reflect, instead, on the feel of this ring on your left hand. The newness. The oddness. The symbolism of it. And the realities of it.
Have you, for instance, worn it at a bar with your gang of girlfriends yet? Have you noticed how suddenly invisible you are to single men? That the cute guys take note of your ring – and quickly move on to another woman who is available?
Or are you comparing your ring to others’? Friends who are married to, say, bankers, who make bank, when your guy is the best 6th grade teacher in the school district? That’s not a fair comparison.
Or are you comparing your ring to your Mom’s? Have you conveniently forgotten she was given this ring on their 10th anniversary, when your family was doing better financially? To whom are you comparing your ring? Is it an equal comparison to the reality of your and your fiance’s ages, incomes and value systems?
Or are you not wearing your ring out of the house? Is that really because you don’t like it? Or that you’re not ready for the entire world to see you as engaged, because you haven’t wrapped your head around it yet?
These questions are just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve spent a few weeks of sessions with brides on unearthing the whys of their negative feelings about their engagement rings. With one, we worked on this for months.
Because rarely does the dislike of the ring have much to do with the actual ring itself. I’ve been counseling brides since 2002 – I know this to be true.
Plus, how many hideous engagement rings are there out there? Think about it.
For most newly engaged women, their feelings about the ramifications of saying yes to the proposal get projected onto the engagement ring. The ring, for some, becomes the hook, the embodiment of all the feelings brought on by this life change.
Does this resonate for you?
If so, your feelings about your ring are probably not about the rock on your hand. In this case, you might consider living with the ring as it is, seeing it with loving eyes, and getting accustomed to it.
Do this before saying anything. Your difficulties with it are likely around your normal, natural feelings about getting married, about this major life change.
One bride I worked with chose the exact date of the Napa Valley getaway weekend during which her proposal occurred. She made the reservations. She knew he would propose on Saturday afternoon before their fancy dinner. There was zero surprise or spontaneity about when or where the proposal would occur.
Still – still – she found her way to me, Googling late at night about hating her engagement ring. It was the one detail from the proposal that her boyfriend really wanted to do solo. He knew her style. He knew her taste. He felt confident he’d nail it for her, and it was important for him to do it without her by his side.
This bride, who planned the moment and location of her proposal, was fixated on the “problems” with her ring – the part she had zero control over. It was basically good – for the most part she liked it. He nailed the major aspects of it; one aspect of the setting drove her nuts. She hated it. Didn’t want to live with it. But didn’t know how to tell him. Because she was cognizant that he felt a lot of pride around choosing that ring for her.
She found me because she was starting to feel a little OCD about the setting of her ring. She couldn’t stop focusing on it.
Nor had she shared her feelings yet with her fiancé. She kept them to herself, and she found herself withdrawing a bit from him – and he was beginning to notice.
She told me, in our free 15-minute Zoom consultation, about her issues with the ring – at length. Part of her felt like a brat complaining. Part of her felt legit. She kept going around and around – in her head, and with me on Zoom.
Until I stopped her and asked if she felt like things had changed in her life since her engagement?
She launched into how all her relationships had suddenly changed as soon as she got engaged.
How her tech-bro co-workers, who were suddenly treating her slightly differently.
How her girlfriends, who weren’t including her quite as much on their Girls Nights Out, since she was officially and forevermore “off the market.”
How her Dad, who has suddenly become a bit withdrawn, is calling her a lot less, is distant.
How her fiancé, who is as happy as a puppy dog that she said yes, seems as if he’s on a different planet than she is. On some level, he feels like his work is done, his future is set; she gets a sense that he already feels somewhat married, having proposed to her. Whereas she’s flooded with all these new, challenging and totally unexpected emotional experiences. The disconnect between them looms large; she was swirling in overwhelm, while he’s just happy, looking at her with moony eyes. He’s wondering why she’s not joining him in the giddy, and he’s beginning to get worried about what’s wrong with her, with them.
Does any of this resonate with you?
If so, your feelings about your ring may not, I reiterate, be about your ring.
I address ALL this in my video course, “How To Be A Happier Bride,” and ebook, Emotionally Engaged: A Bride’s Guide to Surviving the “Happiest” Time of Her Life. Download either right now, and you will feel an immediate sense of normalcy and community among the many brides I describe. I also give you exercises to do to help you get to your core feelings.
I’m also here for a free 15-minute Zoom consultation. I’d love to talk through your specifics and offer support.
The ring. It’s a big deal. But it’s also a symbol of the big change in life you are going through as a result of your engagement. The seismic shift in your identity and in all of your relationships. It makes sense that it’s challenging. All growth is.
But take a moment to stop focusing on your ring and its perceived problems – and focus on yourself.
In my next post, I Hate My Engagement Ring: How To Talk About It [Part 3], I’ll advise you how to approach this topic with your fiancé.
