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I Hate My Engagement Ring. What Do I Do? [Part 1]
Oh no. Your engagement ring is just not right.
Whatever the reason – too big, too small, wrong cut, style, stone – it’s just not you.
And you don’t know what to do. If anything at all.
Tell him you hate it?
Live with it forever, even though you hate it?
You’re in a tough spot.
It’s my busy season as a bridal counselor, what with all the holiday engagements. So I hear this a lot from newly engaged women. Things like:
“It’s gorgeous, but it’s just not me.”
“It’s lovely, but it’s not quite right.”
“I heard from his buddy that he stressed and researched and worked really hard on buying it. I really wish he had just asked me what I wanted. Definitely not this.”
When the ring isn’t right, some brides send themselves down a rabbit hole of anxious, worrying thoughts.
The most common worry?
“If he knew me, he’d know my style.”
Then: “The fact that the ring is wrong is a sign we’re not right together.”
Hold on a minute here. That’s not necessarily true.
Hear me out.
Consider the ring-buying experience from your fiancé’s perspective.
A. He’s a guy. The reality is, he probably never really noticed an engagement ring until he started feeling like he wanted to propose.
B. Initially, to him, a ring is a ring is a ring is a ring. It took him a good long while to be able to really discern all the differences, the styles, the details. He had to make a long journey from “a ring is a ring” to understanding yellow gold vs. white gold.
C. Googling. He Googled his heart out, trying to understand cut, clarity, color. So. Much. To. Learn. Like a foreign language.
D. A very expensive foreign language, at that. He then wrestled with the question of How much can I afford? Should I really spend that much? Do I go into debt? What does this mean about my finances? My financial readiness for marriage? And maybe he’s been tortured by the ancient high-society etiquette norm of spending 3 months’ salary on a ring. Think about it: Have you plunked down thousands for a gift for him yet?
E. The dizzying array of options. You know that the salespeople at the jewelers could spot sweet naive him a mile away. They are pros at steering anxious, uninformed men into styles, trendy fads, and, most of all, bigger, flashier, more expensive rings. Don’t forget how commission works!
F. The pressure he felt to Get It Right. He only wants to please you, to make you happy with the ring. He tried, he really, really tried to read your mind and get your perfect, imagined engagement ring. But he’s not a mind reader — he never will be (there’s a marriage tip for you). He did his absolute best.
This is where you begin, when you consider what to do about the ring you’re not head-over-heels with. You consider him.
Walk, for a moment, in his shoes.
Say you want to buy your fiancé an engagement gift – of equal value and impact on your savings as your ring is to his. Something as expensive as your ring, and something deeply meaningful and personal to him. Something he will have forever. Something very specific, but also something you know nothing about.
Let’s pretend he’s a serious music guy. You want to get him a top-of-the-line speaker setup. (Yes, the technology will evolve, but bear with me for sake of the analogy. In fact, I can’t think of something as permanent and public as an engagement ring. So there is a uniqueness about that purchase he has made).
You know a top-of-the-line sound situation will make him really, really happy. And he would never invest at this level for himself.
You go online, do research, learn about options, prices, add-ons. And you quickly become overwhelmed. Out of your depths.
So you do a little covert research, asking him subtle questions, sneaking peeks at the gear he already owns. And you research again, this time at the sound equipment specialty store.
Salespeople ask you questions about his taste, preferences, uses, goals (sound goals? Who knew!) — questions that you can’t begin to answer.
The salespeople (likely men, the way jewelry salespeople tend to be women) start selling to you. And upselling and upselling and upselling.
Until, after a few frustrating and overwhelming weeks of a firehose of information about sound systems and detailed decisions coming at you, you finally say, “I have no clue what I’m doing, but this looks right to me. It’s the best I can do. I really hope he likes it.”
As you present this most expensive gift you’ve ever given, that you did your very best with — as he unwraps — you feel anxious, nervous and vulnerable.
You’ve just laid down a ton of cash – more than you’ve EVER spent in your lifetime on one gift for one person — and you don’t even know if you’re in the ballpark of speaker systems. If he’ll even like it, because you made your best guess, because you’re a complete beginner at buying sound equipment.
Does he like it? Hate it? Is it all wrong? Is it even close? Is he happy? Disappointed?
You can’t even tell, because you’re so awash in feelings of excitement that he will love it and worry that you bollixed it all up.
This – this — is exactly what your fiancé went through buying your ring. It’s important to take some time to walk in his shoes. I hope this analogy makes it easier to do so.
Have you considered the lengths and depths and efforts he went to in order to buy your engagement ring?
Because he did. This wasn’t a swing-by-the-jewelers decision. This was effortful and considered. This was his best guess.
All this work was done with love and excitement about your future together.
He gave it to you with hope and anticipation and joy.
Remember this.
Start here, in your reflecting on whether or how to approach your feelings about your engagement ring.
Because his experience and his feelings are as valid and important here as your possible desire to switch out your ring. Taking his experience into consideration is essential. Because you’re getting married – it’s no longer just about you anymore.
I know I haven’t yet offered any approaches to dealing with your ring situation.
Please read: I Hate My Engagement Ring: Brides, Consider This [Part 2] and I Hate My Engagement Ring: How to Talk About It [Part 3] for specific approaches.
My emphasis here is for you to:
Understand the enormous effort your fiancé went through to pick your ring – feeling into his experience yourself by imaging what he went through.
Appreciate and value his months-long work.
See the effort for the love that it expresses for you. He may not have nailed your ring – he chose a sapphire when you really wanted a classic diamond.
But it was all done, 100%, with love for you.
Love for you.
Love, for you.
Remember this, always, when you think about your ring.
And I’ll see you in the next post, I Hate My Engagement Ring: Brides, Consider This [Part 2].
