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Engagement Anxiety? Ask Yourself This Question
Nearly every bride – or groom-to-be whom I meet for a free 15-minute Zoom consultation says they have “engagement anxiety.”
Each person experiences engagement anxiety slightly differently, but the general responses include one or more of the following:
- Not feeling happy
- Feelings of unease or discomfort
- Feeling sad, when before the engagement, they weren’t
- Racing thoughts, especially at night
- Analysis paralysis – just can’t stop trying to figure out why they’re feeling bad during “the happiest time of their life”
- Being hyper-critical of the fiancé/e
- Trouble concentrating, eating, sleeping, doing daily routine
- Isolating and not telling anybody what’s really going on
- Withdrawing from fiancé/e
- Little interest in sex
- Questioning EVERYTHING.
If this sounds like you, do not panic!
I’ve been working with brides and grooms since 2002 who feel precisely these things – and I felt it myself, way back when (learn more about my story in my ebook or video series – I’ve been here myself, trust me!)
The first step is to ask yourself this question:
Is my fiancé the problem? Or is it me?
Here’s what I mean by that.
Most – the vast majority of people I work with – initially assume that if they were marrying the “right” person, they would be only happy during the proposal and engagement.
To that I say: BS.
Your fiancé is a human being. He/she is annoying and different; they’re messy or anal about cleaning; they work too hard or not enough; their family is different from yours and you don’t like them as much as you do your own. True, true, true.
BUT….if you take a moment and reflect, you actually remember that your fiancé understands you better than anyone else in the world; brings you deep comfort and a feeling of belonging; if you look back on the beginnings of your relationship with fondness (and a natural bit of melancholy, because it’s kinda sad you can’t meet and fall in love all over again, that you only get to do that once in your life with him/her); if he/she is still the same good person you fell in love with – then they’re probably not what’s causing your engagement anxiety.
When I was engaged, I thought of it this way: “He’s the EASY PART of this whole thing. When I think of my future with him, I see a life that I want and looks full of love.”
GULP – because that meant that I was the one that was causing all the problems.
And I was.
You likely are too.
Now, you and I obviously didn’t choose to create “problems” during our engagements. We wanted to be only happy.
But here’s the thing: these feelings you’re having? They’re not actually problems.
That’s right. Not problems.
What are they?
They are developmental changes in who you are, as a result of getting engaged.
You’re no longer a dating couple –- something you’ve been for months or years. That’s a change.
You’re never going to be single again – as great as your fiancé is, you have to come to grips that you’ve had your last date, your final first kiss, your final falling-in-love, no more being single. It’s great, but there’s a lot of things that will never happen to you again in your life. And that’s sad. And a big change.
You’re about to become a legal “we” – and your dreams are now tied together. In most ways, that’s great.
But what happens when, say, your job is particularly crappy, and you have that fantasy of giving your 2-week notice, packing up your place and moving to Paris (or Italy – it’s always one or the other that is the destination of this escape fantasy)?
Well, now that you’re engaged, you’ve got to get your fiancé on board with this Parisian whim. He has to be excited about your fantasy. And quit his job, leave his life, find a job in Paris, and live that life.
What as a single person was kind of doable is now – engaged — feeling impossible. Like it will never happen. Or if it does, it’ll be months of planning and strategizing – not just the 2-week notice, hop a plane and figure it out fantasy you’ve always harbored.
Facing the complexities of being a “we” can cause pain and upset. And it’s another change.
Engaged, you don’t quite know who you are. You know how to be a girlfriend or boyfriend – but this fiancé/e thing? You don’t know how to do this.
And It’s weird. All of a sudden, you’ve become this archetype of Bride and Groom – people ask you so much about the wedding, when you may not be ready to talk about it, or they seem to have forgotten you are also really interesting people with lots going outside of the wedding.
Does any of this ring true? If so, you’re going through these normal, natural, and necessary developmental changes in identity that come with getting engaged and preparing to marry.
If any of this resonates, then it’s you who’s the “problem.”
And I can help.
I’ve been working with brides and grooms since 2002, helping them navigate these changes.
It’s not long-term work – you won’t be in counseling for months and months. In fact, 60% of the brides and grooms meet with me for less than one month. I’ll give you the context and the tools you need to do the rest of your engagement on your own. Do just 3 sessions with me, and you’ll most likely be on your way to a happier engagement.
If you’ve read this far and you’re fighting what I’ve said;
if your focus is primarily complaints about your fiancé/e;
if you’re wondering, “is this a red flag about him/her?” or “Is this something I can live with for the rest of my life?” or “How can I fix this about him/her?” or “Will this problem go away?” then there’s a different area of work we can do together.
When brides or grooms are more focused on issues with their partner, I can help by being that person you can say everything to. I’m not in your world – you won’t poison anyone’s opinion of him/her if you do go through with the wedding. That’s a huge fear most people harbor. I get it.
I’m impartial. I’m not invested in whether or not you marry this person. I do, however, like preventing future divorces.
And I’ve been helping brides and grooms who are wondering if he/she is right sort through their feelings.
We don’t just do a pro/con list –- you can do that for free, on your own time (and I bet you already have).
No, we go deep on defining the issues, identifying if these are perpetual problems or situational, dig into what other factors might be influencing the doubts about this person.
In other words, I’ve done this many times before with brides and grooms in doubt. With more than 20 years’ experience, I can help you too. Contact me for a free consultation.
I’ll ask again – who is the problem here? You? Or your fiancé?
That’s the first question you have to ask — and answer — for yourself.
